Things have been crap!
I’m struggling to get my head around stuff.
I want to train, everyday if I could, but I can’t. Things get in the way. Life, family, other commitments. And that’s fine. But the gaps between sessions are hard! My body still isn’t used to it all. I’m having to rebuild my strength and stamina.
But worse than that – my biggest obstacle - I’m really struggling to regain my confidence.
Normally, I don’t care what people think about me. I look and dress how I want. I have a strong opinion on how I should hold myself. But when it comes to training it’s like someone has flicked the biggest self-consciousness switch in the history of the world, ever!
I’m fine with the person I’m rolling with. It’s the thought of other people watching that gets me. The idea that they’re going to see me mess up and make stupid mistakes. And the ‘mistakes’ themselves don’t bother me - I know I’m going to learn from them - but for whatever reason my mind makes a bigger deal of them!
Knowing people are watching makes me freeze up. I don’t push myself. The competitive part of me hides. I lose my fire and feistiness. I feel like I did when I first started training, which really gets to me as I’d gotten myself to a good place both physically and mentally before the pregnancy.
Not to mention that I’m one of just a few girls at our gym. It’s not easy. I’m not there to look good or get attention, but I feel added pressure to give 110% the whole time, and not let the ladies down! And all of this pressure isn’t from my teammates – I love everyone I train with, they’re all amazingly supportive and would never want me to feel this way – it’s from me and my insecurities. From having so much time off. From my body shape completely changing after having a second baby. From holding back, and asking my training partners to hold back too, due to having a C-section. It’s all affected my training more than I wanted to admit.
However…all of this has given me even more determination to improve. I will not let my insecurities win. I will not let my stupid overthinking kick my ass!
Awesome Christmas present from the mothership - Whisky Wolf // The Grappler's Gift // Destroy long-sleeve rashguard