That's not me

I’ve seen a few posts go up recently – people struggling to find the motivation to train for various reasons, the main one being confidence. And this is definitely the one I’ve been struggling with too.

A few weeks ago my confidence hit an all time low. I didn’t want to leave the house unless I absolutely had to – and when I had to I’d wear a baseball cap to try to cover my hair and face. I lost confidence in every aspect of my life – from my appearance right through to writing instagram posts and responding to customers! I constantly felt that everything I did wasn’t good enough. I struggled to get back on the mats and found reasons not to train.

And that's not me.

I took some steps to try and help myself feel better. I had my hair done – which helped for a while, but ultimately was just masking what I was going through. Eventually I got myself back on the mats and loved it – I felt so much better, it’s amazing the difference it made. I came home motivated and enthusiastic and felt back on track.

… and then, with perfect timing, I was slapped in the face by the snot monster and had a horrendous head cold. This then decided to mix with some tension headaches. And not one to be left out, my Fibromyalgia decided to join the party and treat me to some delightful pain flare ups. A cocktail of aches and pains! It put me all the way back to where I was. No confindence. Not wanting to leave the house. I just wanted to hide away from everyone.

Doing our recent advert for the Fury rashguard freaked me out big time. I didn’t want to be in photos. I didn’t feel like I could represent our brand. We’re for strong women – and I felt the furthest from that! I finally pushed myself to do it though, but under the premise we’d crop my face out of them (something which I was later persuaded wasn’t the way forward!). I agonisingly pawed over each picture, picking myself apart. In the end I just had to send them to Jon to sort out – otherwise it never would of happened – I would’ve just deleted them all and got back on the sofa!

The last straw was my worst nightmare - seeing my lack of confidence spread to our 5 year old Marlee. She’d become reluctant to train, came out with excuses, and started saying things like she felt she wasn’t doing very well so it wasn’t worth going. This really hit home and showed me that I don’t just need to do this for me, I need to show her that even when you are struggling you have to keep trying. Never give up. I’ve reassured her that I’m back training tonight and I’m back in the routine of it all, and she’s agreed that if I can do it then so can she.

So now I’m finally on the up. My cold is on it’s last legs. The tension headaches are still lingering a bit and the Fibro pain is ever present, but I’m feeling better in myself. I just need to get back on the mats and start living a healthier lifestyle again. I’ve learnt that we all need to be kinder to ourselves and stop beating ourselves up over everything. I put way too much pressure on myself - I feel like I have to do everything like some sort of crazy super woman, but I know I just need to slow down a bit, and accept help. For once I’ve actually listened to advice (probably need to go and pick my mum and Jon off the floor for saying that!) – I’ve got as much rest in as I could (well, as much as you can being a mum of two) and now I’m ready to get back on the mats tonight!